How to Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship
Do you consider yourself a jealous person? Do you know! How to Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship
Jealousy is a very common and well problem of almost every society. We can see so many people around us suffering from jealousy, protectiveness, and possessiveness. It is not a problem that can’t be cured. We can manage any type of jealousy with a little bit of concentration and willingness. Remember that willingness in this regard is the first thing to be started with.
Moreover, learning to manage and eliminate jealousy is significant in order to be happy. Jealousy is a highly destructive emotion; it ends the relationship with a partner, lowers the self-esteem of those who feel it, leaving deep wounds in their personality, and gave birth to stress and anxiety.
“Jealousy is, of all the diseases of the spirit, the one to which the most things serve as food and none as a remedy.” Michel Eyquem de la Montaigne (French writer, philosopher, and essayist)
What is Jealousy?
What do you think of Jealousy?
When we talk about jealousy, we are not talking about a single feeling.
Jealousy is a set of feelings and attitudes that arise when we believe that we can lose something very important to us (love, social, professional image, power, etc.).
When we perceive that our partner (friends, family, boss, etc.) gives other people what we want only for ourselves (love, time, company, attention).
As for the relationship, jealousy arises when a person believes that their relationship is being threatened.
This threat can be real or imagined and the response of the person who is jealous can be appropriate or inappropriate.
Some of the emotions that can accompany them are:
- Distrust, etc.
Regarding attitudes, we can find:
- Vengeful attitude
- Constantly compare themselves with others, almost always considering that they are better than us.
- Consider yourself a victim of circumstances or other people.
- Of exaggerated concern for the criticism or attitude of others.
Jealousy can be expressed:
Telling the person how you feel, asking what happened, etc.
Overtly: Yelling, crying, threatening, assaulting, retaliating, etc.
In a covert way: They do not express themselves, but they look for a way to “get even” or hurt the partner of whom they are jealous.
For example, making her look bad to other people; doing “unintentionally”, things that annoy him, etc.
We can also talk about:
- Normal jealousy: Which is what a person feels when faced with the real threat of a relationship that values. And
- Pathological or abnormal jealousy: Which is not the result of a real situation, but is related to an unresolved internal conflict of the person who feels them. Sometimes in pathological or abnormal jealousy, the reaction of a person who is jealous tends to be exaggerated and inappropriate.
What elements affect jealousy?
We have all felt jealousy in our lives as adults.
Jealousy and possessiveness become a problem when they are intense, frequent, last, a long time, are caused by a situation created or exaggerated by our imagination. They affect us physically and emotionally and/or affect our behavior and personality.
Jealousy can arise when a person perceives that their relationship is being threatened.
This perception can be:
- Real, like when we see our partner kissing another person. Or
2. Product of an assumption, misinterpretation, or of our imagination, such as thinking that our partner is unfaithful to us. Just because we see her talking very kindly with someone, because she was late or because we found a note from a restaurant.
Why are there people, who are more jealous than others, even if they face the same situation?
However, there are different elements that influence our way of perceiving and evaluating the aspects related to our jealousy response:
- The influence of the culture in which we were raised and in which we live. For example; Being Latino is not the same as being English.
- The experiences we had during our childhood, especially for those that were painful. For example; if when we were kids of our parents abandoned us and we felt ignored by most of the people, possibly we will live with the fear of losing the love of the person with whom we relate. So we can easily feel jealousy, fear, or un-comfortableness even for no reason.
- If when we were little we lived with jealous people, it is very likely that we are too because we learned to distrust the people with whom we relate. However, it is not for all of the kids, it could be the result of great parenting.
- The relationships we have had in our lives and the level of trust or mistrust that resulted from them.
- If in a previous relationship they were unfaithful to us. The probability that jealousy will arise easily is very high.
- The level of our self-esteem. The higher the self-esteem the happier will be the life. The more insecure and undervalued we are, the more likely we are to think that our partner is going to find someone else who is better than us.
- Jealousy could be the result of our personal beliefs about relationships, others, and ourselves. For example; if we think that all men are unfaithful or that all women are flirtatious, it is very likely that we feel jealous and insecure.
What can you do to deal with jealousy?
You know that information is important, but the action is decisive. That is why it is essential to work on the behaviors, habits, thoughts, etc., that you need to modify or in the situations that you want to eliminate from your life.
The first step is to acknowledge that you are jealous and that you have a problem that you need to solve.
The second step is to determine to what extent the jealousy you feel is related to a real situation and to what extent it depends on your own characteristics, experiences, fears, etc. If they are related to a real situation, check the veracity of the data you have.
Are you judging yourself on something you saw or something you were told?
If it is something they told you, before doing anything else, talk to your partner and ask them, but without attacking or insulting them, just to find out the truth and fact.
Don’t try to trick her, to see if she contradicts herself or if you catch her with a lie.
With that attitude, you are only going to create a bigger problem and most likely she is going to lie to you, not because she has been unfaithful, but to remove the distractions and to avoid problems.
Keep things in their real perspective. A smile, a dance, a kiss on the cheek or a lie is not the same as being unfaithful.
People can lie for many reasons, which are not justifiable, but that doesn’t mean that your partner is cheating on you.
If you feel jealous with a certain frequency or your jealousy is very intense, check what elements in your personality, education or way of thinking, maybe influencing your emotional response and taking you towards jealousy.
- Do you have low confidence in yourself?
- Has a close family member or friend been cheated on?
- Were any of your parents very jealous?
- Have you felt betrayed before?
- Has someone been unfaithful to you?
- What do you think of men or women, boy or girl?
- What do you think of fidelity and relationships?
- Do you think your partner is much better than you and that you could easily find someone better?
So, if you answered yes to the first 8 questions, you probably need to work on your way of being, regardless of whether your partner is unfaithful or not.
If your way of thinking about women, men, relationships and fidelity is extreme (all or nothing, always or never), it is possible that your behavior and your emotions are determined by some wrong beliefs, which you need to learn to change.
Controlling jealousy takes time, willingness, effort, and work. It is difficult to do without the necessary help. Even if you consider that the relationship is not worth the effort. If you are jealous and do not put a remedy, you will have problems in all your relationships or you will not be able to relate.
Remember that a jealous person is not jealous only of his partner. You feel jealous of your friends, at work, in your family and social environment, etc.
But jealousy has a solution. So, be brave, improve your self-esteem, believe in your relationship, and say goodbye to all types of jealousy, insecurity, and Animosity.
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